Excuse Me, Have You Seen My Motivation?

I don't know what's going on with me. I can't seem to find the motivation to do what I want MOST right now. Get healthy. 

Let me start at the (most recent) beginning. I moved to Louisville and back into my parents' house in the beginning of 2008. My plan was to take care of myself, save money, and generally get my life together.
I researched and researched to find the gym that was the "perfect fit" for me. That gym was Baptist East/Milestone Wellness Center. I started working out and logging my daily calorie intake. I'm a registered dietitian, after all, I know how to lose weight.

In my case, knowing and doing are two entirely different things.

At any rate, I was determined to do things the "right way" this time. SLOOWWLY. Lifestyle change versus diet. I wanted to have a healthy relationship with food and exercise for the first time in my life. I still do.

For several months I ate well, but didn't deprive myself. I went to the gym 5-6 times a week.
I lost nothing...
I had my basal metabolic rate checked. I cut my calories even further. I exercised twice a day.
I lost 1-2 pounds a month.

This just didn't seem right, and I was getting very discouraged. At my next doctor's appointment I asked if they would check my thyroid. The doctor wasn't sure it was necessary, but they were going to draw blood anyway, so she agreed. A few days later I got a phone call letting me know I had hypothyroidism. To make a long story short, I started on medication and resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to try even harder to lose weight.
By November of 2009 I had lost about 30 pounds and had been exercising regularly for almost 2 years. I felt amazing. I even completed a 5K, 10K, 10 miler and a  half marathon during this time period. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could lose the weight and keep it off...

Things were going so well, I decided it was time to move out on my own. I bought a condo and moved in. I guess now would be a good time to tell you that I don't exactly do well with big changes. When I moved, my entire routine fell apart and all of my good habits went out the window. I began eating more convenience foods, snacking late at night and skipping my workouts. I had to get my condo in order, after all. That is what I told myself. The stress of moving and the changes in my routine also caused me to turn to food for emotional comfort again.

 Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months.

It has now been almost a year since I moved into my condo, and I am still not back into a healthy routine. My fitness and energy levels have bottomed out, I've gained back every single pound it took me almost 2 years to lose, and I feel awful.

So why am I doing this to myself? (I don't really know for sure, to be honest).
I do know that I am extremely disappointed in myself and extremely discouraged. I am not even going to get into how many times I have tried to lose weight and failed to keep it off. At some point, you start to wonder if you can do it. At some point you just. don't. want. to. fail. again.  

Now, I've also been given a wake-up call.  At my recent physical my doctor informed me that my cholesterol has jumped nearly 30 points. She has given me 90 days to make an improvement with diet and lifestyle before prescribing a statin medication. In addition to that, I've been sick with bronchitis for nearly 3 weeks and was told my weight might be making my breathing problems worse. I am actually starting to get sick as a result of how I am treating my body...

I can't believe I allowed this to happen. I am ashamed to call myself a dietitian right now.

I am hoping by writing this I will see in black and white the reasons that I need to (and want to) make changes in my life. I am hoping this provides the kick in the pants that will motivate me. I am hoping the fact that I am damaging my body each day I make poor decisions will finally sink in.

I will keep trying. If I don't try I won't fail, but I also won't succeed.